Struggling

So many good things are happening for me right now. The kiddos are wonderful, so smart and so kind and so full of love. My family and friends are amazing. We have been doing lots of activities, staying busy and enjoying time together. School has started for me again, and I love the brain exercise. Work is good, I really enjoy the people I am surrounded by and have opportunity to laugh and learn daily. And always right next to all the good is the loneliness. When will it stop? How can I make it go away? Even when I ignore it, push it down and focus on the blessings, I can feel it pulling me, demanding I notice the giant hole in my life. It's been years, and still there is the emptiness. And then, it's one more thing I have to make me feel as though I'm not strong enough, I'm not faithful enough, I'm not good enough - that I can't just get over this. I'm sorry to be a downer, but I am struggling. And when I struggle, I feel like I just make everyone mad, because I don't do smart things, I don't say the right things. And so I just don't say it. Because I wish so much it wasn't there.